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27th May 2009

8:37pm: Ick...
St Paul on the road to Damascus style flash of insight? Check
Slow, sinking feeling? Check
Acting out/Bad behavior? Check
Sudden urge to cry? Check

Yep, broken heart around the bend...
Current Mood: gloomy

28th April 2009

12:29am: Changing Channels
...From Channel Z to Channel P.

Been on Zoloft for like five years for panic disorder. We had a good run, Zee and I. But these last few months have been rough. Lots more panic attacks, and I don't mean just the little hiccups. I mean the serious, balls out, feel like you're going batshit panic attacks. No good. So me and my gen prac had a spirited debate on the subject.

She decided it would be best to switch me to Prozac, as it had really good results for my mom, and she thinks its likely we have the same sort of body chemistry. Yah, ya think the Pope wears a funny hat? Mom and I are practically the same person in some ways.

So I've been on the Prozac for five days now, giving my brain a new way to marinate in its own juices. Its been...interesting. A weird taste in my mouth, like someone sprayed saline solution into it. Kind of salty-minerally. And I've felt like I'm stoned, without the fun parts of being stoned. No panic attacks, just some grandsire dragon headaches occasionally and the sensation of my head being padded 'round with about six inches of cotton. All of which Mom has assured me goes away after about a month. This promises to be fun. We'll see how we go. On the upside haven't had to use my tranks yet, but my body could just be all confused.
Current Mood: blank

6th March 2009

11:26pm: BPAL
As a post-script, Mars and Forrest, as the other two (known) bpal afficionados on my friends list, we should set up informal swappage. My imp box is swelled to overflowing, and I just got a round of Shunga from a decant circle and didn't care for most, so if you want let me know!
Current Mood: bored

19th January 2009

10:23pm: I am going to kill my family...
So my dear moms leaves a message on my voicemail the other day, asking in her fake-innocent voice, "What do you think of Boston?"

What do I think of Boston, indeed.

Mostly I think that my father is one day going to have to get over his crazy-ass wanderlust and stop trying to live in every state in the Union. But I also think that if his company offers him a big enough financial incentive then he should by all means go to Boston. Because the economy being what it is, and my parents within 10-12 yrs of retirement age, and the money they lost in their 401k this year because of the economy being in the shitter, they need to look out for their financial best interest.

Then I think that I don't have to follow them around the country anymore. I am of legal age, and can decide to stop and make my life wherever I choose. I also think of when I moved here, and I think of how tired I am of starting over.

Then I think of those years in Minnesota without my family, and how lonely it was. My mom is pretty much one of my best friends, as infuriating as she may be. And I think how the holidays drove me out of my skull with that loneliness, and how my friends were kind, but I always felt like a third wheel nonetheless.

Then I think of Boston, and the history, and the pretty, and big city again ZOMGYAY, and four--four!--Lush shops just in the immediate area for instant gratification instead of ordering online and chewing my nails. I think of museums and culture and shopping and quirky little neighborhoods to explore. I think of public transport that is comprehensive, and walking/biking opportunities abounding. I think of all the colleges in the Boston area, and of grad school.

Then I think of the cost of living in Boston, and the apartment prices that I have seen online, and I feel a little sick to my stomach. I think of finding another job and a place to live, and I feel more sick. I think of living even temporarily with family again and my skin crawls. I think of the fact that a studio may be the only affordable thing as far as apartments and I feel bad for my cats, who are enjoying a seriously cheap two bedroom to run around in.

Then I think of staying here, smelling the local rendering plant every day, talking to assholes about their insurance when they get belligerent about how the world is out to get them. I think of the pollution, the cold and wet, the grim grinding industrial wasteland, the fact that I have developed the most obnoxious Northern Midwest accent and cringe when I hear myself say 'fur' for 'for'.

So I don't know what I think, really. I think I don't want to think about it right now. I think I want to finish my beer and go to bed, because tomorrow Pinhead Georgie will not be the president anymore and things can only get better from there.
Current Mood: thoughtful

14th January 2009

9:18pm: Figure 8 this, sucka!
I have conquered the figure 8 cast on for toe-up socks. Life is good.
Current Mood: pleased

10th January 2009

1:51pm: Still some nice people in the world...
Sad when small gestures make such a huge difference.
At my apartment building, the dumpster for trash is at the far, far, FAR end of the parking lot. Like the length of a football field. It stretches behind all five buildings, I live at the first one, the dumpsters are by the last one.
I wrestled two bags of trash out of the house, one weighted down with used kitty litter, and down the stairs, intending to be a lazy ass and put them in the back of my car to drive them to the other end of the lot. Hey, its cold. But the neighbor from downstairs, a father of two who lives with his wife and kids, came rushing up and took my bags, put them in his truck to take down to the dumpster with theirs. Silly, but it was one of the sweetest things anyone's done for me lately. :)
Current Mood: touched

3rd January 2009

5:13pm: Meh...
I could get up and sew my skirt to my bodice, then put in grommets on the new dress. I could also get out the lace chart and go back to work on the socks I'm knitting. I could get up and go down to the store and get a bottle of wine. Or I could continue to lay here on my bed watching Wall-E on my laptop. I like that option best.

Blah day.

24th November 2008

10:50pm: Arty art art

Your result for What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test...

Non-conformist, Visionary, and Independent

5 Abstract, -5 Islamic, -2 Ukiyo-e, -12 Cubist, -5 Impressionist and -9 Renaissance!

Abstract art uses a visual language of form, color and line to create a composition which exists independently of what may appear to others as visual realities. Western had been underpinned by the logic of perspective and an attempt to reproduce an illusion of visible reality. It allowed the progressive thinking artists to show a different side to the world around them. By the end of the 19th century many artists felt a need to create a 'new kind of art' which would encompass the fundamental changes taking place in technology, science and philosophy. Abstract artists created art that was diverse and reflected the social and intellectual turmoil in all areas of Western culture.

People that chose abstract art as their preferred artform tend to be visionsaries. They see things in the world around them and in people that others may miss because they look beyond what is visual only with the eye. They rely on their inner thoughts and feelings in dealing with the world around them instead of on what they are told they should think and feel. They feel freed from the tendancy to be bound by traditional thought and experiences. They look more toward their own ideas and experiences than what they are told by their religious upbringing or from scientific evidence. They tend to like to prove theories themselves instead of relying on the insight or ideas of others. They are not bound by common and mundane, but like to travel and have new experiences. They value intelligence, but they also enjoy a challenge. They can be rather argumentative when they are being forced or feel as if they are being forced to conform.

Take What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test
at HelloQuizzy

22nd November 2008

12:56am: O Brave New World!
Nelson Mandela, who became South Africa’s first black president, said Obama’s win was “monumental.”

(Ya think?!?)

The 90-year-old told him: “Your victory has demonstrated no person anywhere in the world should not dare to dream of wanting to change the world for a better place.”

I wish I had a snowball's chance in hell of going to the inauguration...

BTW, I actually won something! I book I wanted! Go me!
Current Mood: excited

17th November 2008

10:18pm: Oh, honestly...
So I was pumping gas into my blue buggy the other night, and some idiot in a rusted pickup truck pulls up next to me at the opposite pump. This fine example of American manhood had put up hand-lettered posterboard signs on the tailgate of his truck, stating, "Obama sucks, anyone who voted for him swallows," and other such pithy observations.

Honestly, let it go. You just prove the stereotype of redneck stupidity. Incidentally, you prove the studies done on voting habits are by and large correct, "that while college-educated professionals were mostly Republican until the 1950s, they now compose perhaps the most vital component of the Democratic Party. Liberals include most of academia and large portions of the professional class....Academics, intellectuals and the highly educated overall constitute an important part of the Democratic voter base. Academia in particular tends to be progressive."

The upshot of all this is that studies seem to indicate that the more educated crowd favors liberalism. And Joe Posterboard seems to be the archetype of their polar opposite number. I know that these are sweeping generalizations but the guy really made himself a pastiche.

Ugh. Just, ugh.
Current Mood: sick

11th November 2008

5:56pm: Meme!!!


Not as easy as you might think.

1. Where is your cell phone? - Coat
2. Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/lover? - Auditioning.
3. Your hair? - brown
4. Your mother? - angsty
5. Your father? - grim
6. Your favourite item? - Buddha
7. Your dream last night? - Army
8. Your favorite drink? - Wine
9. Your dream car? - Thunderbird
10. The room you are in? - Cube
11. Your ex? - Pathetic
12. Your fear? - Failure
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? - Queen
14. Who did you hang out with last night? - Harley
15. What you're not? - Simple
19. The last thing you did? - Microwaved
20. What are you wearing? - Scarf
21. Your favorite book? - All!
22. The last thing you ate? - Popcorn
24. Your mood? - Grumpy
25. Your friends? - Love
26. What are you thinking about right now? - Itchy
27. Your car? - Blue
28. What are you doing at the moment? - Slacking
29. Your summer? - Decent
30. Your relationship status? - Auditioning
31. What is on your tv? - Futurama
32. When is the last time you laughed? - Now
33. Last time you cried? - weekend
34. School? - Want!!!

7th November 2008

11:38pm: Facebook Lessons
Or, why it is a bad/good idea to look up old college friends.
Just found out that one of my closest friends from my dorm complex is now married to the guy who was ass-over-teakettle in love with one of our other friends. Gods, I'm out of it for a few years and everything goes crazy! Mindy, you probably remember the guy and the girl he was in love with, they went to the Switchblade Symphony show with us for my birthday that year. I don't know if you remember my friend Melynn, the one with the really gorgeous red hair, but that is the girl he married. Weird, small, but good world. It just broke my brain a little. :O
Current Mood: confused

18th September 2008

7:18pm: My new babies!
Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!
Current Mood: content

5th September 2008

4:49pm: dragon eggs again
Adopt one today!
Adopt one today!

Mildly obsessed but they sure are cute. Plus I am in a Vicodin-induced fugue and little things amuse me. PS--Vikes and online shopping are a bad combo.
Current Mood: groggy

25th August 2008

9:24am: More different egg.
I have cute dragon-things.

Adopt one today!

23rd August 2008

6:09pm: Imps have arrived!
OK, so I'm sitting here with 8 different perfumes on, very happy with myself and life in general. Six I ordered, two were frimps. I think I must look like I have some weird mental illness because I'm smelling random parts of my arms and hands at odd intervals. The consensus so far:

New Orleans: Holy flowers, batman! All I get is jasmine and honeysuckle, hardly any spice and no lemon.

Voodoo: I love this. Lovelovelove. Very musky and myrrhy.

Jack: I like this until the buttery pumpkin fades back. Then it just smells like peach pie. Not bad, but very dessert bar at Old Country Buffet.

Florence: Very warm, sweet amber. Not nice with a Capital N(as in omgwant!!) but I wouldn't kick it off my arm for eating crackers.

Hellcat: Mmmmm. Hellcat. Rrowr. Makes me want to climb someone like a scratching post.

Catherine: Hmm. Old roses and greenery, with a bit of bite. OK, not for me.

Frimp 1: Brown Jenkins is nice, odd and warm and quirky-cool.

Frimp 2: Herbert West is a very nice sexehboysmell. Now to find a sexehboy to smear it on...

All in all, most pleased. The postcard is most pretty too!
Current Mood: satisfied

19th August 2008

10:38am: Yuck.
Guess who gets to have her wisdom teeth out?
Yep, me.
Also, guess who has TMJ and now gets to sleep with a plastic bit between her teeth?
Yep, me again.
I hate the dentist.
Current Mood: aggravated

15th August 2008

8:03pm: Egg.
Adopt one today!
Current Mood: bored

14th August 2008

1:40pm: Famly!
Family Meme
The family meme:

The rules are simple.

If you want to family the person who posts this, send him or her a reply saying "I am your family."

But, you have to post this in your journal in exchange.

You aren't required to play and you can pass by this post if you wish.

(stolen from mindy, who stole it from others)
Current Mood: cheerful

12th August 2008

6:34pm: Perfume Oil=CRACK.
The dam has finally burst, and instead of just ogling the website I am now happily spending too much money at BPAL. The first fistful of imps is on the way and am already plotting for the next, larger round. Because, of course, don't want to invest in big bottles till I've tried 'em. This may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship...

4th August 2008

10:07am: Thought for the day......(or at least what I'm thinking about)
Four seperate quotes, from different parts of the book, but all related:

If the history of humanity were the clinical case history of a single human being, the diagnosis would have to be: chronic paranoid delusions, a pathological propensity to commit murder and acts of extreme violence and cruelty against his perceived "enemies"-his own unconsciousness projected outward. Criminally insane, with a few brief lucid intervals

The ego is not only the unobserved mind, the voice in the head which pretends to be you, but also the unobserved emotions that are the body's reaction to what the voice in the head is saying.

If you are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others.** (This is a hard one for me)

Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do and thus into this world from deep within you. The misperception that joy comes from what you do is normal, and it is also dangerous, because it creates the belief that joy is something that can be derived from something else, such as an activity or thing. You then look to the world to bring you joy, happiness. But it cannot do that. This is why many people live in constant frustration. The world is not giving them what they think they need.
Current Mood: contemplative

18th July 2008

11:33am: Thought for the day
"What kind of woman is it who believes - who knows, for I saw her face - that she can cure wounds with a touch, and who weeps without tears?"
Molly went about her work, still humming to herself. "Any woman can weep without tears," she answered over her shoulder, "and most can heal with their hands. It depends on the wound. She is a woman, Your Highness, and that's riddle enough."

Just when I think that I have half a chance to figure myself out...?
Current Mood: aggravated

15th July 2008

2:17pm: Silly test.

Your result for The Attachment Style Test...

The Cuddleslut

30% Anxiety Over Abandonment and 28% Avoidance Of Intimacy

You're mostly secure, but sometimes you need a little extra reassurance to make it through the tough times. You are usually affectionate and sweet, and you find it easy to fall in love. An encouraging word from a crush or a loved one can motivate you for weeks.

Fictional character with whom you might identify: Kaylee (Firefly/Serenity), Hiro Nakamura (Heroes)

KayleeFrye.jpg HiroNakamura.jpg

Other Attachment Types:
Secure: The Unicorn | The Cuddleslut | The Free Agent
Preoccupied: The Cling Wrap | The Squid | The Insect
Fearful: The Doormat | The Leper | The Exile
Dismissing: The Hermit | The Stone | The Player
Confused: The Waffler

Take The Attachment Style Test at HelloQuizzy

Current Mood: amused

1st July 2008

10:55pm: La La Quiz, La La bored!
So my Meyer-Briggs personality type has literally not changed since junior high. Wonder if that means the things are really on to something, as have been ENFP for 21 yrs. According to Quizilla, that would make me Ravenclaw in Hogwarts. Huh.
Current Mood: satisfied
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